Transcript: Emergency Meeting of Bavarian Chancellor Markus Söder and Ministers Regarding the events in Salem’s Lot
Date: October 15, 2024
Location: Bavarian State Chancellery
Present: Chancellor Markus Söder, Minister of Interior Joachim Herrmann, Minister of Culture Bernd Sibler, Minister of Defense Thomas Kreuzer, others.
Chancellor Söder: [visibly agitated] Thank you all for gathering on short notice. I’ve recently reviewed a classified document, or so it seemed, detailing events in Jerusalem’s Lot—a town under siege by vampires. This must be addressed immediately. The safety of Bavaria is at stake.
Minister Sibler: [looking at notes] Chancellor, forgive me, but I believe you’re referring to a new movie adaptation, Salem’s Lot. It’s fiction.
Chancellor Söder: Fiction or not, the scenes are alarmingly plausible. The visual detail, the atmosphere—how they captured that town! It looked like any small Bavarian village. Think of all those places where everyone knows each other; how quickly things could fall apart under such a threat. [pauses] Let’s get to the good and bad of this—shall I say, “account”? I have notes.
Minister Herrmann: [hesitantly] Of course, Chancellor, we’re listening.
Chancellor Söder: First, the cinematography was stunning. The transitions, the lighting—it’s immersive. Captivates the viewer as if they were there. The portrayal of this close-knit, isolated town—it’s exactly like our Bavarian villages. Tight communities, traditions. But this film shows what can happen when the unknown, or the occult, infiltrates. And then there’s that brave eleven-year-old boy, Mark. [gestures animatedly] He fights back! Incredible resolve for his age—a fine example of resilience.
Minister Kreuzer: Chancellor, I believe it’s only a character in the script—
Chancellor Söder: The character has spirit, Thomas! And the horror elements? Controlled, not overdone. Jump-scares are timed perfectly, even if unexpected; they build tension without excessive gore. The film never loses its pace, never drifts. And they didn’t shy away from using the well known vampire defence rules.
Minister Sibler: You mean… horror tropes, oh Chancellor? I assure you, it’s all in line with genre conventions—
Chancellor Söder: [ignoring] However, [pauses thoughtfully] it did have flaws. For example, the protagonist, Ben. Rather plain. Why does he even return to that town? I don’t see a convincing motivation. And the vampire combat tactics—so limited! He survived 4 while others couldn’t stand one. We could learn from this. Why didn’t they bless a firefighting plane? They could have doused the town in holy water, ridding it of this terror efficiently. Where are the holy water grenades? Bavaria should be prepared! [slams fist on the table]. I knew this day would come and came prepared. Come with me.
They head to a secret staircase under the patrona bavaria.
As they arrive at the bottom of the stairs, the room was dark, just a Mass of Beer in the middle of the room. Söder steps up and jugs it. With every gulp the room becomes brighter and brighter and blueprints appear on the wall.
Chancellor Söder: [Turning in a circle with his arms spread out] Gentlemen, I knew this day would come! [points at each blueprint] Here I have a blessed bear trap with wooden spikes. Here’s a sprinkler system that uses holy water and my favourite: A disco ball with thousands of tiny crucifix.
Minister Herrmann: [attempting diplomacy] Markus, I’m sure we can note your… recommendations for creative adjustments.
Chancellor Söder: No, Joachim, this isn’t a matter of creative license; it’s preparedness. That brings me to my proposal: we must ensure that every public building displays a cross. We saw in the film how crucial that was—such an easy defense measure!
Minister Sibler: Chancellor, we’re still discussing fiction.
Chancellor Söder: Real or not, we cannot risk it. Our tradition supports this. Bavaria is rooted in faith, and we should utilize that as a safeguard.
Ministers exchange glances; some nod reluctantly.
Minister Kreuzer: [sighs] Very well, Chancellor. For “preparedness,” as you put it.
Chancellor Söder: Excellent. Effective immediately, I propose legislation mandating crosses in all public buildings throughout Bavaria. We will not be caught unprepared.
Minister Herrmann: [whispers to Sibler] Did we just pass a law based on a vampire film?
Chancellor Söder glares, signaling an end to further discussion.
Outcome: The proposal was unanimously approved, with immediate effect.
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